Hope for Mother's Day
May 10, 2015 came with unexpected feelings. It was the first Mother’s Day since we had started trying to have a baby. This was around the time when I started to realize pregnancy might take a lot longer than I had expected. Although I didn’t shed any tears, my heart ached a little. I had hoped that this would be the first Mother’s Day I celebrated as a soon-to-be mama. But it wasn’t. If this is you this year, I hope you know you are prayed for. I hope you know that just because you have never seen two lines on a pregnancy test, doesn’t mean you don’t have the heart of a mother. I hope that one day you will be celebrated, and I believe that because of this season, it will be all the more sweet when that day comes. And I hope you know that it’s okay to be sad; it’s okay to feel impatient, and it’s okay to talk about it.
A year later, May 8, 2016 rolled around, and it was a little more difficult. It had been about 3.5 months since my early miscarriage and over a year and a half since we had decided to start trying for a baby Grisham. This Mother’s Day felt so strange for me. Even to this day, I struggle to truly feel like I am a mother. My pregnancy ended so quickly - I didn’t get to see my little on a sonogram; I didn’t find out the gender; I didn’t hear the heartbeat. I was left in the limbo of experiencing a positive pregnancy test, as I was beginning to miscarry the child I would never meet. Because I never got the opportunity to see or hear my baby, my grief felt unwarranted. But that insecurity was based solely on lies. Lies I told myself about how I was lucky that I never heard or saw it, about how I should be happy I even got pregnant in the first place, about how I didn’t deserve to grieve when others had it so much worse.
My husband knew this year would be tough on me. When I woke up that mother’s day, James had set out flowers for me along with donuts and a card in hopes of brightening my day a little. Well, that he did. Even though I ugly-cried for what seemed far too long, I was also overcome with peace. Peace knowing that one day I would be a mama. One day I would get those flowers and donuts from my littles. And when that day comes, I know it will be accompanied by tears, but they will be the happy tears. If this is you this mother’s day, if you are struggling to even let yourself feel like a mama, I urge you to let yourself ugly-cry; let yourself feel, and heck, buy yourself a donut! You deserve it, girl.
Here we are a year later. May 14, 2017 is coming up quickly. Even though I am approaching it with empty arms, my heart is full of hope. Hope that despite what the doctors say, my God is greater. Hope that even if I never see a positive test again, my nest will one day be full. Hope that if that is the case, the Lord is protecting the children James and I will adopt even now. Hope that even if none of that happens, I will still know that Jesus is enough.
My prayer for you this Mother’s Day is that if one of these resonates with you, you will find your hope in Christ. A hope that is a greater than any positive pregnancy test.