Lonely - My Journey to Motherhood
My journey to motherhood has not been what I expected.
I’m sure that a lot of people can say this; but so far, my journey has been utterly disappointing. When I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a momma and have lots of babies. Years later, when my husband and I first started talking about kids, let’s just say that we were not on the same page. I said 4 or 5. He said 2… Needless to say we have had lots of conversations since then.
When I imagined growing our family, and having a baby, I just assumed it would happen immediately. That’s how it’s supposed to work, right?!
To my surprise, however, it didn’t. If you have read any of the posts on this blog, you know that my friends have had a lot of struggles in this department. I knew about those struggles, disappointments, and frustrations as I walked with them through those hard times. But for some reason, I just thought that I was excluded from all that mess. In my mind, my husband and I ate healthy, exercised, and did everything right, so of course we were going to have a baby quickly!
I was mistaken. We did not get pregnant immediately, but rather six months later. While I understand that this is the “average” amount of time it takes for most couples to get pregnant, it was still frustrating and felt like a long time.
Back in November, a few days after my birthday, when aunt flo was late, I was shocked and ecstatic to see two little pink lines. I had never even had a positive ovulation test! So I did what any excited woman would do and hopped on google to determine my due date based on my cycle. I immediately began dreaming of my sweet summer baby.
While I was busy googling, I went a little crazy - searching whether metal detectors at the airport could affect my sweet little one and what not, since I had approximately 500 flights scheduled that week.
As soon as I got home from that trip, I told my hubby, who was also thrilled. And for the next five days, we loved that little baby so incredibly much. But then I started spotting. We went to the doctor only to find out that I was probably miscarrying.
I cannot begin to find words to express the pain that I felt—a pain that many of you have also endured. I was pierced to my core. If I’m being honest, I still am.
I never imagined my journey to motherhood would look like this. This whole experience has been so very lonely - despite being surrounded by friends who’ve experienced similar things. I have never been the type of person to truly feel lonely, but sitting on this side of motherhood, I do. As much as I love seeing friends post about their pregnancies, as much I truly rejoice for and with them, it also stings. It is a constant reminder that I’m not there; I’m here. Each new announcement just makes me feel even more alone.
But I know that God is faithful. I was able to meet with a sweet new friend the other day who knows this lonely road. It was such a gentle reminder from the Lord that I am not truly alone in this. God has placed the right people in my life at the right time, and I know that it is not a coincidence. And even if I were physically alone, he promises that he will never leave me. So here I stand, on this side of motherhood, lonely and longing for a child, trusting that the Lord is near.